While Nation Remembers When Biden Pre-Pardoned Hunter “From Womb to Wi-Fi”
In today’s installment of “Presidents: They’re Just Like Us, but With Full Legal Immunity,” former President Donald J. Trump announced the pardon of Todd and Julie Chrisley, the tax-dodging reality TV couple best known for confusing southern charm with federal fraud.
“They were treated very unfairly,” Trump declared, reading from a teleprompter hastily repurposed from a Cracker Barrel menu. “Great people. Very tan. Very religious. And frankly, white-collar crime? Not even real crime anymore. Sad.”
The Chrisleys will be released in time for season 10 of their hit show Chrisley Knows Best, now retitled Chrisley Knows a Guy.
But the nation’s collective outrage muscle barely twitched — possibly because it’s still recovering from the Biden administration’s parting legal grenade: a sweeping, retroactive blanket pardon of Hunter Biden that extended from “the moment of fertilization to any post-mortem tax audits.”
Critics called it nepotism. Supporters called it compassion. Hunter called it “proof that being the failson of a sitting president is the last true American safety net.”
Meanwhile, Trump’s pardon of the Chrisleys signals a new era in his justice philosophy, which combines personal grudges, cable news programming, and the unwavering belief that prison is for people who can’t afford lawyers or producers.
When asked if the Chrisley decision might alienate voters, Trump shrugged. “If loving the Chrisleys is wrong, I don’t want to be re-elected right,” he said, then gestured toward a golden portrait of himself hugging a bald eagle.
Rumors swirl about future pardons. Sources close to Trump hint at possible clemency for other reality stars, several Florida real estate influencers, and the concept of “insider trading” itself.
As one political analyst put it: “We’ve entered a new golden age of presidential pardons, where the only real crime is not having a camera crew.”
America, ever exhausted, simply nodded. One Brooklyn voter summed it up best: “At this point, if they pardoned the Zodiac Killer because he once sold a painting for six figures, I’d just ask if it came with free shipping.”